It’s awkward to talk about what hurts me.. No one really knows what to say or do, because it’s hard to understand. I don’t even fully understand… And some days I wake up and I’m too ashamed to look myself in the mirror..and sometimes when I can muster up courage to look myself in the eye, I see a foreign image of a girl who doesn’t know if she deserves to be loved or feel whole. Pain and destruction is such a beautiful being..
It’s so clear and evident why I left here for college. I don’t care if you say that I’m running away from my problems because everything’s a marathon. I’m not gonna complain that it’s not a relay, I know that it’s only me running and even if I get exhausted I won’t have anyone to pass the baton to. I’m always gonna be running, and I don’t care because I’m chasing death and running it down.
The more I go through life, the questions seem to stack themselves upon each other. Whys, hows, and the curiosity that killed the cat is the same curiosity that might drive me to my death. The things I used to believe are the things that I am now at constant doubt with.
But what is it that drives people to change? Is it an event? Does it require an epiphany of pain and self knowledge? Tragedy? Is it through watching a leader or through example? No matter the reason, I don’t know if it’s possible for someone to REALLY change for the better. Everyone seems to go back to their old ways. A cheater will always be a cheater. And addicts will always relapse…whether it’s drugs or hoes.
But I still believe that there is good in everybody, even if it takes a while to hatch and bloom…
I’ve been through enough to know what’s good for me.. But I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the idea of letting the person who I care so much about, who doesn’t give a shit about me.
Progression in Pain
This morning, I woke up and my pillow case was drenched. My mascara was smeared down to my chin, and I didn’t want to move an inch, scared that maybe my heart would hurt even more if I were to change my position. So I kept my left cheek in the damp spot of tears. I almost cursed to God,”Why do these things happen and how do you expect me to go through something like this again? Did I not learn that people will talk and listen, the first time? Will my pain be accounted for?”
But instead of anger, I was humbled by His grace and grateful for the ability to have patience with myself and to take things with a grain of salt. God never fails to show me that He’ll always have my back and that everything is a blessing in disguise, even if it takes a while to figure it out. Trusting that God has bigger plans for me than I did for myself is constantly a theme in portions of my life..
I am becoming closer to the woman I pray to be…
“I am grateful to have been loved and to be loved now and to be able to love, because that liberates. Love liberates. It doesn’t just hold—that’s ego. Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, ‘I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re across town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now, so I love you. Go.”
-Maya Angelou
somedays i just get so angry at myself. and angry how people can look up to me, or tell me i’m such an amazing person and say how strong i am. i am just human, i’m fucking human. they always tell me “God won’t give you anything you can’t handle.” but what if he was just fucking around with me? “he gives the hardest battles to his strongest soldiers” what if i don’t wanna be strong anymore? what happens then?
I think one of the most noble things anyone can do is to stay themselves. To be a nonconformist. To separate themselves from the crowd and have the courage and individual strength to stand strong, even if it means standing alone. To stay faithful to your truths, and to believe that quality is over quantity. Trends come and go; different types of clothing, apparel, hair styles, phrases, music, etc.
But to stay faithful to yourself..is something that won’t ever be at fault.
Honesty begins with being real with yourself.
My Two Cents
Birth control or any form of contraception is not a religious or state right/wrong. It is a right for anyone to exercise, especially if you are a female. If a woman wants to have sex, she will. Times have changed, sex is no longer viewed as a sacred form of commitment to society. Women have the right to own their own bodies and to have the knowledge and education on how to get pregnant and how to prevent any unwanted pregnancy or even sexually transmitted diseases.
No one really gives a fuck about the Penn State, child molestation case anymore. There are more important things going on that people need to be aware of. The WAR in Syria that’s happening right now only got 6 minutes of light shed onto it… Then the sexual assaults came on for a good 40 minutes.
I really don’t give a fuck if he is on house arrest and if his punishments should be taken further or not. Sorry bout it, AMERICA.
